Kolin the Koleos

Adam Elovalis

I wrote this a few years ago in 2019, to try to sell our beloved Renault.



Some are crazy. They make you want to cry, and laugh, and scream.

Others don’t know how to treat a lady (or man). Cheap and, at times, a bit nasty. But, if you’re lucky, maybe once in your lifetime you get one that you’ll want to take home and show your mum.

Sure, she’ll frown and says ‘you deserve better’ – but its somehow… ok. It’s love at first sight and he already has keyless entry to your heart. The good kind of French, he remembers to start on your birthday and every day after.

It’s leather seats hold you close when you need it, supporting you through all of life’s bumps. Your butt is never too big in those jeans. The only dirty mags you’ll catch him with, are his factory fitted ones. Rims. Rims for days (and tyres for years).

Its dual climate control blows hot air up you every time you need it. And he’s cool. Very cool – especially on those hot summer nights in the city. He never gives you wrong directions, never argues with you, and lets you hog the Bluetooth. It’s deep, base voiced, Bose sound system will shake. your. world. He’s not rough, he won’t take you far offroad, but will whisk you away to exotic locations in WA, safely and in style.

In five years, your mum will soften as she sees how hard he works for your growing family with his tow ball and roof rails. He doesn’t need much from you, regular servicing and around 7 litres of diesel per 100kms. It was never him, it was always me – I’m the reason why it never worked out. Some say, that I outgrew him. Others, that it started when I forgot his balloon (payments) for our fifth anniversary. But he never truly recovered. So we’re having to go our separate ways.

All I want? A good home, for as much money as you’re prepared to pay for him. He’s worth cold hard cash to me, and I’ll sell him to you for a good price. He’s worth every cent, and more. Kolin has a lot of love to give you! He wants to love – let him love! Let the car love! (for $11K)


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